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The Keep

by Lan Miao

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1.
In my oversized shirt I slowly walk down the hill In my head I hear the click click sound of the flashing lights The photo guy says, "Strike another pose, girl. Don't worry you haven't gone that low." My fingernails jammed in pralines and cream In my head I'm thinking, "I'm weak — so weak." I'm listening to that song on the radio I'm saying — asking — "In a cup or on a cone?" But I cannot do this without your love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without some love I cannot do this without some give and take Look what I'm doing when you're not watching In my oversized shirt for some reason you are always right And in my tight, tight skirt You have me for this much time And they'll let me dance my last dance alone from one to two in the morning alone So keep on smiling Show some more skin I love the crisp-crisp sound of quarters clashing I can't stand the freeze Can't stand on my feet I know what you think I'm weak — so weak But I cannot do this without your love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without some love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without your love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without some love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without your love I cannot do this without your faith I cannot do this without some love I cannot do this without your faith Look what I’d do to get back on my feet Look what I’d do for all my favorite things Look what we go through for what we believe Look what I do for all my favorite things
2.
Prayer 06:05
You pray to your so called god Try to make it better with all you've got But has he ever told you to open your door Open your heart and just listen to her You pray for a better future Or maybe just a better pay You say it makes you feel so much stronger Throughout the rest of your day You with all the things you know You and your sacred your holy book You remind me of me when I was a little girl Made believed in a supernatural world So you pray to the god above Try to replace the human love You knelt down for so long you shut me out And still things are falling apart Snd still you pray to your only god Bet you don't even know how much it costs You think you're making up for the past All the things that didn't last But if he really wanted you to know He would have definitely told you so He wouldn't have to wait for so long Wouldn't have to wait until it's all gone Has he ever told you to stand up Has he ever told you to come back home Has he ever told you to give it some time And take us as far as we can go Has he ever told you how I feel That things are so much better the way they were Has he ever told you that he's up there That he loves you now but he didn't before And when everything suddenly changes course Did you ever have to guess how much it hurts ‘Cause things are falling apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart We are coming apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart We are coming apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart We are coming apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart Things are falling apart
3.
This Old Man 03:10
This old man The way I see it He's on his last strand I down my last drink Then I fell face flat Hey man Hear me out Hear my voice Hear me shout Big man needs to know Do you really think you know Do you really think you know Do you really think you know Time? This old man He's down to his Down to his last I raise my bets Raise the threat Lost his game he thought he was best Hey man Let me see your hands Let me see your hands Let me see your hands Hey — hey hey hey, hey hey old man I blew the whistle When it came time This man this old man He — he was way up high He's got a lot he's got a lot Under his belt And I see him wherever I see myself I'm still trying I'm still fighting I'm up next don't want to be But I was But I was But I was your biggest Fan
4.
Rainbow 03:53
Had a little sister she was born under the stars Painted rainbows painted them so well You should've seen You should’ve seen You should’ve seen her colors She painted a rainbow in his heart Painted a rainbow in his heart His heart his heart his heart I've lost His heart I’ve lost Had a little sister she was named after the blues Brought back sunshine back in his books She read him his poems Read him his poems Sat by the fire He liked what he saw Painted a rainbow in his heart Painted a rainbow in his heart His heart his heart his heart I've lost His heart I’ve lost I never had his heart When I showed myself I lost it all I never had his heart Painted a rainbow in his heart Painted a rainbow in his heart His heart his heart his heart I've lost His heart I’ve lost
5.
Pale Mother 03:03
Can I ask you for a check? I need to buy me a stronger bed And I don't believe when you say He should have paid for all of this Can I ask you for a check? I need to buy me a stronger bed I had a dream I woke up crying You were a statue Flying through With your eyes opened And a cartoonish look You were part of the war You fought and you killed I was crying over you  Crying over my loss of you I was crying, crying for you How did I end up losing you? And you don't realize You count your fingers when it comes to us And you don't realize You count your fingers when it comes to us And you don't realize You count your fingers when it comes to us And you don't realize You count your fingers when it comes to us
6.
The Keep 05:22
He gave me a knife when I was a young girl He said to keep it keep it near I believed him as a young girl I kept this knife I kept it near It was so new and so it shined It was so sharp and so fine Cut through diamonds cut through stones Cut through my skin cut my bones He gave me my life before I was born Gave me a plan gave me my future Then he gave me this knife showed me how to hurt He said to keep it so I kept it near Cut through water and sky Cut through pictures and time Cut through diamonds cut through stones Cut through my skin and cut my bones I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now You see I’ve grown up and you've grown old (Cut through water and sky) I’ve grown up and you've grown dull (Cut through pictures and time) I expanded you're small in my hands (Cut through diamonds cut through stones) I was so impressed you were all I had (Cut through my skin cut my bones) I'm gonna take it out now (You said you said you said) I'm gonna take it out now (It will never cut me and you) I'm gonna take it out now (You said you said) I'm gonna take it out (It will never cut me from you) I’m gonna take it out I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now I'm gonna take it out now

about

Twenty years in the making, this EP collects six songs that were first written throughout my late-teens and early 20’s. The songs explore my relationship with each of my parents: unspoken yearnings, sadness and anger at their fallout, fear of disloyalty and abandonment.

At first, I wasn’t sure about releasing these songs. It has been two decades since I first wrote them; my compositional style and emotional state have evolved. In the end, I thought the songs serve as a good documentation of where I started on my songwriting journey, and, more importantly, that these are stories that could possibly help someone else through a similar predicament, the way listening to bands and artists like Nine Inch Nails and Tori Amos has brought my solace through the years. 

During the past two years while in quarantine, I recorded and produced the songs in a make-shift home studio set up in the bedroom. It felt like the right time: the pandemic had cost me my day job but freed up time for more creative work; mentally, I felt ready to tackle the darker themes in the songs. My relationship with these songs have changed, because my relationship with the grief that initially sparked them has changed.

Over the years the songs have been reworked, with musical elements added or lyrics taken away; a few songs saw their final form taking shape right before recording. Producing the songs came together organically: I would record the piano track, map the drums to it, then “listen” for sounds to emerge and add in synths, guitars or other arrangements accordingly. This was my first time producing as well, but having been with these songs for most of my life, I felt I knew them intimately. Still I wrangled with a few tracks: particular the “mom” tracks: Pale Mother, Favorite Things, Prayer. It was easy to record the other songs because I knew how I felt towards my dad; it was infinitely more complicated with mom.

credits

released June 24, 2022

All songs written, performed, and produced by Lan Miao.

Tracks 1 & 5 mixed by Lan Miao.

Tracks 2, 3, 4, 6 mixed by Jordon Silva.

Mastered by Scott Hull at Masterdisk.

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about

Lan Miao San Francisco, California

Singer-songwriter, piano-player, alt-rocker. Making music at the intersection of race, gender, Western classical, and Taiwanese Pop. she/her

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